"End Black Conferences," Says Prominent White Guy

A prominent white guy has made a strong statement in favor of getting rid of black conferences and congregations in the Seventh-day Adventist Church.

In a sermon broadcast around the world, the white guy said, "It is time to do the loving thing and unify the church by getting rid of the exclusively black organizational structures. They're a blight on our Gospel Witness."

Many people who often express their opinions in CAPS LOCK on Facebook hailed the passionate appeal.

"Segregation has been outlawed in the United States for a long time, so I'm not even sure black conferences are legal any more," said one white lady with a little bit of a tan.

When asked whether he had consulted with African-American individuals before delivering his powerful sermon, the white guy responded, "Well no, but several of my best parishioners are black."

"I'm convicted that this is the Dwight thing to do," said the guy.

In a separate issue, a conflict arose when several white guys sharply disagreed over what should be done with women pastors.

Two prominent white men spoke out passionately against allowing women to teach men things.

"The plain reading of the Bible indicates that women authority figures are acting unbiblically," said one man.  To emphasize the point, he read a statement from a woman authority figure from a book called "Testimonies, Volume One," compiled by several men.

The other man agreed. "Show me a place in the Bible where women are allowed to do things in public," he said. "It's simply not there."

But conflict arose when the white guy from before disagreed.

"There is no place in Scripture that doesn't not allow women to be shepherds of flocks. For instance, when the shepherds came to worship the baby Jesus, nowhere does it say that women were not among them. Scripture is very clear in not disallowing it."

The Church became deeply divided when it became obvious that prominent white males could not agree, prompting another man, also white, to say, "There is no 'Thus saith the Lord' on this issue, and so we're going to let people vote on what they think Scripture does or doesn't say."

One thing that all could agree on is that it is a great time to be a prominent white male.

Time to Take The Bible Just As It Reads

"The Spirit of Prophecy tells us that we are to take the Bible just as it reads," according to GC president Ted N. C. Wilson. Well, here is our humble attempt to do just that. This is the first installment of our #JustAsItReads series.

"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come"  Acts 2:20 (KJV)

SAU Freshman Receive "Mark of the Bietz"

HAPPY VALLEY, TENNESSEE - At the start of the new school year for incoming Freshmen at Southern Adventist University, a mixer welcoming new students brought a strange new ritual.

"Dr. Bietz gave us different color stickers that we were supposed to put either on our foreheads or the back of our hands to put us into different groups for the game," said Freshman film major, Junius Ortiz. "To tell you the truth, I took my sticker off my forehead to check whether it had a barcode or anything on it. But it didn't, so..."

Almost immediately after students began to receive the stickers from university president Gordon Bietz, students started calling the dots "The Mark of the Bietz."

Some parents who came to help their children settle in to university life were not pleased.

"This seems like a harmless little game, but it's not a laughing matter really," said one concerned mother who asked not to be named.

"This is a direct fulfillment of Bible prophecy that in the Last Days there would be scoffers. Well, here they are getting the 'Mark of the Bietz' and treating it like some joke. This is serious stuff!"

A university relations spokesperson issued a statement on behalf of the university the following day, saying,

We take seriously the concerns expressed by parents and constituents of the university. We want to assure all those with concerns that what students received was not the actual Mark of the Bietz. The real Mark is a red, hand-shaped mark on the forehead resulting from repetitive face-palming brought on by all the false crises, students "gifting" the president magazine subscriptions as a prank, and fake news stories on the Internet with which the president must contend.

Asked whether the statement did enough to alleviate concerns, the un-named mother said, "Kinda, not really."

Amazing Flax Creates Sunday Law Alert System

Amazing Flax unveiled its Sunday Law Threat Alerts warning chart today. Citing the immanent threat of a universal Sunday Law, the natural foods media empire called for a heightened state of vigilance for Sabbath keepers.

"This chart provides a way for Sabbath keepers to stay aware of the threat posed by the coalition of Sunday worshipers and government entities," said Amazing Flax speaker/directer Shrug Thatchelor.

Upon release of the chart, the threat level was immediately elevated to "somewhere between Lamblike Beast and Whore of Babylon," according to an Amazing Flax spokesperson.

Reaction from Sabbath keepers varied, from "Meh," at the Laodicean Sabbatarian Fellowship in California to "Everyone to the basement!" at the Get Your Own Oil Reformed Adventist Congregation in Michigan.

Asked for further elaboration on the making of the chart, Thatchelor stated, "The chart is based on the universal symbol of the National Sunday Law, the Catholic Pope. The threat is particularly high because this pope, like no other in history, has won over even secular governments. We are seeing the whole world wonder after this beast."

Ellen White Toast Apparition Validates Bible and Science Conference

MORMON COUNTRY, UTAH - Reports have been leaked to liberal Adventist media outlets of a supernatural event during the International Conference on Bible and Science in St. George Utah. According to many anonymous sources who attended the conference, an apparition of the face of Ellen White on a piece of toast was said to have confirmed the message of conference organizers.

The toast, a nine-grain bread provided by the host hotel in St. George, belonged to Dr. Richard Davidson of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary at Andrews University. Richardson, a daily presenter at the conference, was reportedly shocked by Ellen's "astounding appearance."

The Ellen White apparition was first noticed by Jo Ann Davidson, also a frequent conference presenter from the Seminary.

"When Dick came back and sat down after getting seconds on the whole-grain toast, I glanced at his plate and let out an audible gasp," said Jo Ann.

Immediately, attendees from as far away as the Philippines gathered 'round the table to take turns looking at the miraculous toast. The bread was quickly and carefully placed in an airtight glass container for preservation.

On the last day of the conference, General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson addressed the gathering to hail the Bread Encompassing Ellen's Face (B.E.E.F.).

"Ellen White's appearance confirms that the Spirit of Prophecy is with us," Wilson said to loud applause.

"It also provides further evidence of the validity of our End-Times Message of God's recent creation in six literal, consecutive, contiguous days. We now have a clearer-than-ever mandate to clarify the language in our Fundamental Belief #6! Furthermore, if you don't eat nine-grain bread, you are not truly a Seventh-day Adventist, and you should resign your rolls," Wilson adjured.

Conference co-organizer Ed Zinke added his view that there could no longer be any question over the validity of Young Earth Creationism.

"This Blessed Toast confirms the message we came to proclaim to you."

After Zinke's words, delegates unanimously voted a strongly-worded statement that called for nine-grain bread to be served in every Adventist institution around the world, and for recipes to be widely disseminated for educational purposes. The statement also included clauses about the Sanctity of Male Headship and Traditional Marriage.

Next, delegates received envelopes with generous per diem allowances furnished by Ed Zinke, and boarded buses for the Las Vegas Strip in Nevada, where many delegates spent the evening gambling and watching the Singing Fountains at the Bellagio Hotel.

And remember, if you read it on the Internet, it must be true!

ARE YOU READY FOR AN ADVENTIST PRESIDENT???

With a face and a persona as splendidly caricaturable as Dr. Ben Carson, we certainly are (but for all the wrong reasons).

It's almost Campaign Season and we might have a Seventh-day Adventist in the mix for the first time. 

Here's a freebie for all you patriotical Ben Carson #RunBenRun #Carson2016 people out there. Please use only with attribution. Cheers.

And for your information, those of you who wondered (I see you), Obama is not an Adventist. Here's the proof: http://sdacaricatures.blogspot.com/2008/11/obama-not-adventist.html

Ewww! Headship! Literally!

General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson, Pastor and TV personality Doug Batchelor, and Pastor and TV personality Stephen Bohr are three of the most visible heads, as it were, of the male headship crowd.

Incidentally, all three advocate a literalistic reading of the Bible. Note: It has come to our attention that it is possible that they ironically use the word literally to mean the exact opposite as has become popular among "kids these days." For instance:

But assuming they mean "literally" literally, what happens when you combine their literalism and their headship? The results are not pretty. Literally!

Don't Pop It! People Live In There!

#BobbleHeadship

The Andrews University Seminary released a statement on headship saying in part:

"We, the faculty of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary, affirm that Christ is the only Head of the Church (Eph 1:22; 5:23; Col 1:18). Therefore, while there exists legitimate leadership in the Church, no other human being may rightfully claim a headship role in the Church."

 We here at Caricatures of Adventists took this as an opportunity to launch our special, limited edition series of Male Headship Bobblehead dolls to honor the indefatigable proponents of Male Headship. Look for them in specially marked packages of Revival and Reformation at your local ABC that is probably going out of business. SO ACT NOW!

More #BobbleHeadship to come!

Adventist or Not? Who Decides?

Happy Halloween. Keep it Spooky!

Reminder

On this date in 1844, nothing happened.

Sometimes Reality is Funnier

We received this from one of our friends out West. This very cynical person is getting rid of their end-time ready, hand hewn log home. It's a classified ad from the Pacific Union Recorder, which includes California. Need we say more?

Columbia Union Conference Did WHAT?

This is the story of the first union in the North American Division to let Susie Derkins into the fort.

Women's Ordination????

After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Southern Students Busted (?) for Spilling Seed in Showers [UPDATED]

Bad news! Southern Adventist University students have been committing the same sin for which Onan (the Barbarian, in Genesis 38:9ff) was smitten by God. That is, they have been spilling their seed on the ground. In showers, apparently. That's right, Southern Adventist University has been after its boy students for masturbating in the washrooms. The posted notices in Talge Hall bathrooms received thoughtful replies from students: "Let us bring in girls, or we're gonna keep on Onaning in the showers!"

It reads: 

We have recently found several blockages in showers in university owned accommodation, most commonly caused by human hair.

However, over last term we found many of these blockages to be caused by large quantities of what we have now determined to be semen. This is [indecipherable]. The shower drains and plumbing were not designed to handle the amount of semen being put into the system.

We advise students to remember that masturbating is a sin. If you believe otherwise, we ask that you please help keep our dorms sanitary and avoid doing so in the showers. 

For any further questions, consult your RA. The [indecipherable] staff and your fellow dorm mates appreciate your cooperation in this matter. 

via Gio Writes Here

UPDATE: So, it turns out that this is a fun little prank that has been making its way around dorms in the U.S. and A (see comments section). What is obviously true, given the hand-scribbled response is that...well...

Adventists to Sue Stewart/Colbert for Holding Rally on Sabbath

SILVER SPRING - Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert held their Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear  Saturday, and Adventists are hopping mad.

Jeltza Nimble of the Adventist-run Center for Secular and Postmodern Studies in Silver Spring explains the ire this way:

"First of all, Jon Stewart, being Jewish, should know better than to hold a rally on Sabbath. We have been studying secular and postmodern people in America for a really long time now, and I can tell you that most of them were at this rally on Saturday. But the problem, and it was a glaring injustice, is that all the secular and postmodern Seventh-day Adventists were unable to go to this rally because it was held on Sabbath. And the one thing we know from our study of secular and postmodern Seventh-day Adventists is that they will not break the Sabbath, even for an event like this one!"

Nimble asserted that Stewart and Colbert's decision to hold the rally on a Saturday constitutes a "clear cut case of religious discrimination against all sabbatarians," and noted that over 10,000 Adventists living in the Washington D.C. metroplex would have likely attended the rally had it been held on a Wednesday evening.

Jackson Billamy, a 27 year old member of the Tacoma Park Seventh-day Adventist Church agrees.
"I would gladly have skipped the Wednesday night prayer meeting to attend the 'Restore Sanity' rally, but there is no way I'm going to miss church on Sabbath to be there. I feel like Adventists were really marginalized on this one."

Adventist Association of Religion Liberties Directors spokeswoman Patricia Frankstein says that a lawsuit will be brought against Comedy Central comedians Stewart and Colbert for the discriminatory rally. "We feel we have a solid case, and we intend to pursue it vigorously," Frankstein said in a press release.

Nimble told the GRAPEVINE that a rally against religious discrimination against Sabbath keepers is being planned for Saturday, November 27 on the National Mall in the nation's capitol. The march is tentatively being called the March to Restore Saturday, and will feature speeches from numerous religious liberty representatives, both Adventist and non-Adventist. A spokesperson for the event estimates that at least 500,000 people of faith will attend the event, "including many Jews."

Comdey Central did not respond to the GRAPEVINE's requests for comment.

*And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internets!

Off the Vine: Regional Conferences To Celebrate "Black Sabbath"

MARBILE ALABAMA - Dr. Melvin Haydrick, the president of the Deep Southern Regional Conference of Adventists announced today that regional conferences throughout the USA will celebrate "Black Sabbath" on October 23, 2010.  Haydrick told assembled press this denomination, which already observes "Creation Sabbath," "13th Sabbath," and "International Food-Tasting Sabbath," should give church members in the Deep Southern Region a Sabbath of their own.

Haydrick believes that "Black Sabbath" will be a special blessing to Adventists in his region who are "Dying For Love."

Asked what other objectives he has for the Deep Southern Regional Conference, Haydrick told the reporters he hopes that some people will also be able to finish an "Iron Man" after "Black Sabbath." When one reporter asked whether he had considered how close "Black Sabbath" would to the inauspicious event that occurred on October 22, Haydrick said that he hopes this event will not be a "Great Disappointment," quickly adding that he expects everything to go smoothly. Haydrick told the media that hopes he will not become "Paranoid" thinking about what might go wrong.

Adventist leaders hailed the announcement as a small step forward for regional conferences and a giant leap for Adventistkind. In a release issued the same day, Deep Dixie Conference president Spencer Stenckray said, "Having 'Black Sabbath' in our churches will go a long way toward healing what has divided us for so many decades." Stenckray called "Black Sabbath" a "welcome innovation" for the Adventists.

Click Here for previous news stories fresh off the Adventist Grapevine.

And remember, it doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internet.

Fascinating Adventist Mathematics

also on Spectrum

Hail to the Chief

[WILSON]

:)

I Love ALBANIA!

So one day (today) I was reviewing the stats for my blog, and I was totally surprised (in a good way) to find out that the third highest ranking country for visitors recently is Albania!

I love you, Albanians who are visiting my blog!

For Mature Adventist Audiences Only

With big Portland Maine thanks to MB!

You knew they're from Portland, right?