SAU Freshman Receive "Mark of the Bietz"

HAPPY VALLEY, TENNESSEE - At the start of the new school year for incoming Freshmen at Southern Adventist University, a mixer welcoming new students brought a strange new ritual.

"Dr. Bietz gave us different color stickers that we were supposed to put either on our foreheads or the back of our hands to put us into different groups for the game," said Freshman film major, Junius Ortiz. "To tell you the truth, I took my sticker off my forehead to check whether it had a barcode or anything on it. But it didn't, so..."

Almost immediately after students began to receive the stickers from university president Gordon Bietz, students started calling the dots "The Mark of the Bietz."

Some parents who came to help their children settle in to university life were not pleased.

"This seems like a harmless little game, but it's not a laughing matter really," said one concerned mother who asked not to be named.

"This is a direct fulfillment of Bible prophecy that in the Last Days there would be scoffers. Well, here they are getting the 'Mark of the Bietz' and treating it like some joke. This is serious stuff!"

A university relations spokesperson issued a statement on behalf of the university the following day, saying,

We take seriously the concerns expressed by parents and constituents of the university. We want to assure all those with concerns that what students received was not the actual Mark of the Bietz. The real Mark is a red, hand-shaped mark on the forehead resulting from repetitive face-palming brought on by all the false crises, students "gifting" the president magazine subscriptions as a prank, and fake news stories on the Internet with which the president must contend.

Asked whether the statement did enough to alleviate concerns, the un-named mother said, "Kinda, not really."

After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Off the Vine: Regional Conferences To Celebrate "Black Sabbath"

MARBILE ALABAMA - Dr. Melvin Haydrick, the president of the Deep Southern Regional Conference of Adventists announced today that regional conferences throughout the USA will celebrate "Black Sabbath" on October 23, 2010.  Haydrick told assembled press this denomination, which already observes "Creation Sabbath," "13th Sabbath," and "International Food-Tasting Sabbath," should give church members in the Deep Southern Region a Sabbath of their own.

Haydrick believes that "Black Sabbath" will be a special blessing to Adventists in his region who are "Dying For Love."

Asked what other objectives he has for the Deep Southern Regional Conference, Haydrick told the reporters he hopes that some people will also be able to finish an "Iron Man" after "Black Sabbath." When one reporter asked whether he had considered how close "Black Sabbath" would to the inauspicious event that occurred on October 22, Haydrick said that he hopes this event will not be a "Great Disappointment," quickly adding that he expects everything to go smoothly. Haydrick told the media that hopes he will not become "Paranoid" thinking about what might go wrong.

Adventist leaders hailed the announcement as a small step forward for regional conferences and a giant leap for Adventistkind. In a release issued the same day, Deep Dixie Conference president Spencer Stenckray said, "Having 'Black Sabbath' in our churches will go a long way toward healing what has divided us for so many decades." Stenckray called "Black Sabbath" a "welcome innovation" for the Adventists.

Click Here for previous news stories fresh off the Adventist Grapevine.

And remember, it doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internet.

The Grapevine: News from Around Adventism

Adventist Chef Nearly Infiltrates Jesuit University

Dr. Thayne McCulloh is the new president at Gonzaga University, and he has a message for faculty and students at the Jesuit institution: “Watch out for Brian Mallow-Shanks.” Mallow- Shanks, from the New Hope Seventh-day Adventist Church in Chesterton Connecticut, was caught this week in an elaborate scheme to “infiltrate” Gonzaga.

A spokesperson for the university said that Mallow-Shanks had been planning for three years to seek a professorship in Gonzaga’s Culinary Arts program. There, according to a police report, Mallow-Shanks hoped to slowly begin to “convert students to vegetarianism and the principles laid forth in the ‘Spirit of Prophecy.’”

The would-be professor was arrested Friday for falsifying documents in his attempt to gain employment.

Had Mallow-Shanks been successful, it would have been the first time a Seventh-day Adventist successfully infiltrated a Jesuit university (if one does not count the late Samuele Bacchiocchi’s attendance at the Pontifical Gregorian University in Rome).

Mallow-Shanks has a master’s degree in dietetics from Loma Linda University and at one time had his own cooking show on the Hope Channel called “Broiling With Brian.”


Adventist Preacher Screws Up, Calls Responsive Reading “Liturgy”

Pastor Blarvin Combs of the Manchester Seventh-day Adventist Church apologized to his church for an embarrassing gaffe on Saturday, July 13. While leading out in a responsive reading, Combs accidentally referred to it as “liturgy.”

One week later, Combs stood before the congregation to apologize saying, “I should have known better.” Combs told the church that he is well aware that Adventists call it “responsive reading,” not “liturgy,” and he blamed time spent with Anglican friends for the slip-up.

The apology did not assuage the concerns of some parishioners, who were dismayed to learn that Combs had been keeping company with “Sunday-keepers.” On Monday morning after his confessional, Combs’s name appeared on the website Hold Them Accountable. The website was created by Ang Hnu to provide free publicity for “Badventists” who don’t "educate truth."

The Manchester Church has taken steps to ensure that the mistake will not be repeated. The church’s head elder, Melwin Harmony, says that responsive readings will be eliminated from worship services to avoid potential confusion in the future.

*And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internet.

COMING SOON: Caricatures of Adventists News Bulletin

Greetings purveyors of fine Sevy culture! Caricatures of Adventists is pleased to announce the unveiling of a new [potentially unreal, possibly satirical] news bulletin, the Adventist (insert copyright notice here) Grapevine! Look for the first issue in the days to come, fresh off the vine. And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internet!