Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Time to Take The Bible Just As It Reads

"The Spirit of Prophecy tells us that we are to take the Bible just as it reads," according to GC president Ted N. C. Wilson. Well, here is our humble attempt to do just that. This is the first installment of our #JustAsItReads series.

"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come"  Acts 2:20 (KJV)

Friday, September 5, 2014

SAU Freshman Receive "Mark of the Bietz"

HAPPY VALLEY, TENNESSEE - At the start of the new school year for incoming Freshmen at Southern Adventist University, a mixer welcoming new students brought a strange new ritual.

"Dr. Bietz gave us different color stickers that we were supposed to put either on our foreheads or the back of our hands to put us into different groups for the game," said Freshman film major, Junius Ortiz. "To tell you the truth, I took my sticker off my forehead to check whether it had a barcode or anything on it. But it didn't, so..."

Almost immediately after students began to receive the stickers from university president Gordon Bietz, students started calling the dots "The Mark of the Bietz."

Some parents who came to help their children settle in to university life were not pleased.

"This seems like a harmless little game, but it's not a laughing matter really," said one concerned mother who asked not to be named.

"This is a direct fulfillment of Bible prophecy that in the Last Days there would be scoffers. Well, here they are getting the 'Mark of the Bietz' and treating it like some joke. This is serious stuff!"

A university relations spokesperson issued a statement on behalf of the university the following day, saying,

We take seriously the concerns expressed by parents and constituents of the university. We want to assure all those with concerns that what students received was not the actual Mark of the Bietz. The real Mark is a red, hand-shaped mark on the forehead resulting from repetitive face-palming brought on by all the false crises, students "gifting" the president magazine subscriptions as a prank, and fake news stories on the Internet with which the president must contend.

Asked whether the statement did enough to alleviate concerns, the un-named mother said, "Kinda, not really."

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Amazing Flax Creates Sunday Law Alert System

Amazing Flax unveiled its Sunday Law Threat Alerts warning chart today. Citing the immanent threat of a universal Sunday Law, the natural foods media empire called for a heightened state of vigilance for Sabbath keepers.

"This chart provides a way for Sabbath keepers to stay aware of the threat posed by the coalition of Sunday worshipers and government entities," said Amazing Flax speaker/directer Shrug Thatchelor.

Upon release of the chart, the threat level was immediately elevated to "somewhere between Lamblike Beast and Whore of Babylon," according to an Amazing Flax spokesperson.

Reaction from Sabbath keepers varied, from "Meh," at the Laodicean Sabbatarian Fellowship in California to "Everyone to the basement!" at the Get Your Own Oil Reformed Adventist Congregation in Michigan.

Asked for further elaboration on the making of the chart, Thatchelor stated, "The chart is based on the universal symbol of the National Sunday Law, the Catholic Pope. The threat is particularly high because this pope, like no other in history, has won over even secular governments. We are seeing the whole world wonder after this beast."

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Ellen White Toast Apparition Validates Bible and Science Conference

MORMON COUNTRY, UTAH - Reports have been leaked to liberal Adventist media outlets of a supernatural event during the International Conference on Bible and Science in St. George Utah. According to many anonymous sources who attended the conference, an apparition of the face of Ellen White on a piece of toast was said to have confirmed the message of conference organizers.

The toast, a nine-grain bread provided by the host hotel in St. George, belonged to Dr. Richard Davidson of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary at Andrews University. Richardson, a daily presenter at the conference, was reportedly shocked by Ellen's "astounding appearance."

The Ellen White apparition was first noticed by Jo Ann Davidson, also a frequent conference presenter from the Seminary.

"When Dick came back and sat down after getting seconds on the whole-grain toast, I glanced at his plate and let out an audible gasp," said Jo Ann.

Immediately, attendees from as far away as the Philippines gathered 'round the table to take turns looking at the miraculous toast. The bread was quickly and carefully placed in an airtight glass container for preservation.

Ellen White International Bible and Science Conference Utah 2014
On the last day of the conference, General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson addressed the gathering to hail the Bread Encompassing Ellen's Face (B.E.E.F.).

"Ellen White's appearance confirms that the Spirit of Prophecy is with us," Wilson said to loud applause.

"It also provides further evidence of the validity of our End-Times Message of God's recent creation in six literal, consecutive, contiguous days. We now have a clearer-than-ever mandate to clarify the language in our Fundamental Belief #6! Furthermore, if you don't eat nine-grain bread, you are not truly a Seventh-day Adventist, and you should resign your rolls," Wilson adjured.

Conference co-organizer Ed Zinke added his view that there could no longer be any question over the validity of Young Earth Creationism.

"This Blessed Toast confirms the message we came to proclaim to you."

After Zinke's words, delegates unanimously voted a strongly-worded statement that called for nine-grain bread to be served in every Adventist institution around the world, and for recipes to be widely disseminated for educational purposes. The statement also included clauses about the Sanctity of Male Headship and Traditional Marriage.

Next, delegates received envelopes with generous per diem allowances furnished by Ed Zinke, and boarded buses for the Las Vegas Strip in Nevada, where many delegates spent the evening gambling and watching the Singing Fountains at the Bellagio Hotel.

And remember, if you read it on the Internet, it must be true!

Monday, September 1, 2014


With a face and a persona as splendidly caricaturable as Dr. Ben Carson, we certainly are (but for all the wrong reasons).

It's almost Campaign Season and we might have a Seventh-day Adventist in the mix for the first time. 
Here's a freebie for all you patriotical Ben Carson #RunBenRun #Carson2016 people out there. Please use only with attribution. Cheers.

And for your information, those of you who wondered (I see you), Obama is not an Adventist. Here's the proof: