SAU Freshman Receive "Mark of the Bietz"

HAPPY VALLEY, TENNESSEE - At the start of the new school year for incoming Freshmen at Southern Adventist University, a mixer welcoming new students brought a strange new ritual.

"Dr. Bietz gave us different color stickers that we were supposed to put either on our foreheads or the back of our hands to put us into different groups for the game," said Freshman film major, Junius Ortiz. "To tell you the truth, I took my sticker off my forehead to check whether it had a barcode or anything on it. But it didn't, so..."

Almost immediately after students began to receive the stickers from university president Gordon Bietz, students started calling the dots "The Mark of the Bietz."

Some parents who came to help their children settle in to university life were not pleased.

"This seems like a harmless little game, but it's not a laughing matter really," said one concerned mother who asked not to be named.

"This is a direct fulfillment of Bible prophecy that in the Last Days there would be scoffers. Well, here they are getting the 'Mark of the Bietz' and treating it like some joke. This is serious stuff!"

A university relations spokesperson issued a statement on behalf of the university the following day, saying,

We take seriously the concerns expressed by parents and constituents of the university. We want to assure all those with concerns that what students received was not the actual Mark of the Bietz. The real Mark is a red, hand-shaped mark on the forehead resulting from repetitive face-palming brought on by all the false crises, students "gifting" the president magazine subscriptions as a prank, and fake news stories on the Internet with which the president must contend.

Asked whether the statement did enough to alleviate concerns, the un-named mother said, "Kinda, not really."

ARE YOU READY FOR AN ADVENTIST PRESIDENT???

With a face and a persona as splendidly caricaturable as Dr. Ben Carson, we certainly are (but for all the wrong reasons).

It's almost Campaign Season and we might have a Seventh-day Adventist in the mix for the first time. 

Here's a freebie for all you patriotical Ben Carson #RunBenRun #Carson2016 people out there. Please use only with attribution. Cheers.

And for your information, those of you who wondered (I see you), Obama is not an Adventist. Here's the proof: http://sdacaricatures.blogspot.com/2008/11/obama-not-adventist.html

#BobbleHeadship

The Andrews University Seminary released a statement on headship saying in part:

"We, the faculty of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary, affirm that Christ is the only Head of the Church (Eph 1:22; 5:23; Col 1:18). Therefore, while there exists legitimate leadership in the Church, no other human being may rightfully claim a headship role in the Church."

 We here at Caricatures of Adventists took this as an opportunity to launch our special, limited edition series of Male Headship Bobblehead dolls to honor the indefatigable proponents of Male Headship. Look for them in specially marked packages of Revival and Reformation at your local ABC that is probably going out of business. SO ACT NOW!

More #BobbleHeadship to come!

Women's Ordination????

After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Hail to the Chief

[WILSON]

:)

Guest Submission: Dance With Me

I received this submission from some anonymous rabble rouser who apparently likes the Simpsons. And makes a fine statement in fine style. Have a gander (click on image to view large):

And thanks anonymous mischief-maker, whoever you are 

;-)

Ted Wilson Finally Has His Day

How David Asscherick Became Rob Bell

David Asscherick is an Adventist evangelist and the main man for ARISE Institute (and please do not leave out the "I"). Asscherick (pronounced ASH-rick) won the Caricatures of Adventists who's-the-most-popular-Adventist contest by 4 votes over second place finishers Don C. Schneider and Hans Deihl. The prize for winning that popularity contest is the caricature above. Congratulations.

I also decided to tell David Asscherick's life story, or something close to it. Relatively little is known about Asscherick's early years, but they might have looked something like this:In order to fit in with other kids his age, young David wore a rubber mask and fought crime.He went through that awkward teenage phase that we all go through.As he matured, he began to transform into a nice young man who used to be a punk rocker and extreme sports enthusiast, but isn't any more. Except he still likes surfing and rock climbing, which could be considered extreme by some Adventists' standards.Now he preaches to youths and old people too, and he wears trendy glasses.David Asscherick, the guy who used to look like Alfalfa now looks like a postmodern, urban guy.In order to complete the transformation from somewhat geek to somewhat chic, David Asscherick stopped combing his hair to one side in order to look like...Rob Bell, who is a famous postmodern Christian guy who makes short movies with edgy themes. David Asscherick, who is sort of famous, but not really postmodern also makes short movies that are kind of edgy, in an Adventist way.
The End.

Monte Sahlin

According to Monte Sahlin's typepad bio, he is "chairman of the board for the Center for Creative Ministry, a research organization and resource center helping pastors, congregations and other organizations understand new generations and how to engage with them. He is also chairman of the executive committee of the Center for Metropolitan Ministry, a "think tank" and training organization based on the campus of Columbia Union College in Washington, DC, as well as an adjunct faculty member at the Campolo School for Social Change at Eastern University in Philadelphia and in the DMin program at Andrews University. In addition, he serves on the steering committee of the Cooperative Congregational Studies Partnership, a coalition of researchers from more than 40 denominations and faiths who produce the Faith Community Today (FACT) research."

I lifted all that directly from his page and probably couldn't say it all in one breath. Which means that he does a lot!

Oh ya. He also blogs.

Asscherick Takes the Lead

In early polling (see the sidebar on the right), David Asscherick has a growing lead over Hans Diel and Don Schneider. With only a few days of voting left, can Asscherick ride this wave all the way to the finish line where the Adventist Caricaturist's ruthless pen awaits? Only YOU can decide that!

Doug is my Favorite!

I just really like doing caricatures of Doug Batchelor. He is soooo caricaturable!

Pastor Doug does a Governor Palin

You might find this interesting (or you might not). Pastor Doug Batchelor, speaker / director of Amazing Facts preached a long-winded sermon on homosexuality. You can watch the video on the AF website under a large banner that says, ironically, "Everlasting Gospel". Not that good news has much to do with it. But whatever.

The video has a couple of interesting lines in it. Like the statement that Jesus predicted this would be one of the obvious signs of the end. Interesting. I don't think Jesus ever mentioned homosexuality. But then, the facts there are supposed to be amazing...

SDA Tats

Following up the story that Shawn Boonstra plans to hit the big city (Los Angeles) despite his not being "gangsta", I found this photo of someone who certainly is. At least as gangsta as an Adventist can be. Here's the photo from Flickr, courtesy of user http://flickr.com/photos/sergei1971/

Now here's the big, big question: Is gettting "Seventh-day Adventist" tattooed on the forearm super-tough or just plain nerdy?

Ted N. C. Wilson Holds the Keys to the Kingdom?

Ted Wilson has done all sorts of interesting things - lived in Abidjan, been president of something large and significant in Moscow, and received a Ph.D. in Religious Education from New York University. To some astute GC watchers, this puts him next in line for the presidency of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists once current president Jan Paulsen leaves the post. And to further drive the Ted-Wilson-as-president buzz, this official picture from the GC website has Wilson at the front of the line of current vice presidents ahead of Ella Simmons, who looks awfully lonely floating amid the veep sea of men. And what is with the creepy right-eye motif?

Of course from another perspective, the picture above has Ted Wilson as far away as he can be from current president Jan Paulsen, indicating that Wilson is least likely to become the next Prez. Some folks have hinted that Mark Finley (who for some strange reason reminds me of Kermit the Frog) might be next in line.The truth of the matter is that all this guesswork about who might be the next leader of the Free SDA World is premature. Jan Paulsen is doing a fine job of presiding, and until the conclave with its grey smoke and white smoke, the speculation will just have to sit patiently like a kid in church.

Rajmund Dabrowski

A while ago I got a request for Rajmund Dabrowski (please call him Ray). Director of Communication for the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. You can find out much more about Ray Dabrowski including a podcast interview he did with Alexander Carpenter of Spectrum Magazine here.

Ray owns one of the top five most caricatureable Adventist faces of all time!

Garrett Caldwell - new PR for GC says ANN

The Adventist News Network reported today that the General Conference tapped Garrett Caldwell to take the job of PR Director for the Adventist Church. I've been tapped before, and being tapped isn't really comfortable. I hope he's alright!

His mug goes up here primarily because he has a wonderfully caricatureable face, and no wonderfully caricatureable face should go uncaricatured. But if you want to know all the juicy details about how he got tapped and why, read the ANN article here.

Hyveth Williams [Adventist Women]

Thoroughly [Post]modern Clifford (UPDATED)

Clifford Goldstein is quite a character. An avowed atheistic Jew, he gave up everything (that is, swallowed a bit of pride) to become an Adventist, he says. Now, Goldstein is the church's foremost apologist as editor of the adult Sabbath School Quarterly (re-dubbed Adult Bible Study Guide). He also writes books. About dragons and graffitti in the Holy of Holies.

The full title is Graffiti in the Holy of Holies: An impassioned response to recent attacks on the sanctuary and Ellen White. Huh?

Recently, Clifford Goldstein did an interview with the Adventist Church's Centre for Secular and Postmodern Studies (re:frame.info). Now can I just note something that strikes me as ironic? Goldstein was a secular Jew, though I doubt he was ever thoroughly postmodern. But reading his stuff and listening to the guy talk, you get the sense that he would not feel very at home within ten miles of a real-life postmodernist, even though it seems he reads postmodern writers in order to disagree with them.

While he has a loosened tie and messed up hair giving the impression that he's going for the postmodern look, Goldstein is a modernist, through and through. He says so in his interview.

While studying secular and postmodern people is laudable (and it's about time the Adventist Church did so!), Sorry to tell you guys, but Cliff doesn't qualify. So far, the attempts at being edgy and current seem to have amounted to traditional Adventist talking points dressed up with a postmodern hairdo.

But we have to start somewhere.

Screen shots from Cliff's thoroughly [Post]modern interview with re:frame

---------------------------------------------

**UPDATE

Cliff fired back with this email, posted by permission:

Love your stuff, even when you make fun of me. My only complaint is that who has made me the SDA voice for post modernism? Certainly not me. And, yes, I have never claimed to be post modern. Though aspects of it I like, even very much—I reject its foundation premise (if post modernism can have one) which is a rejection of any meta-narrative. Yes, I’m not a post modern but wonder where you got the idea that I was or ever claimed to be, however much I enjoy reading it (and I don’t read it to refute it; I read it to get what I can out of it while rejecting what I don’t agree with) Your stuff is funny, if not exactly unbiased.. Cliff

Jaime Jorge [work in progress]