Ewww! Headship! Literally!

General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson, Pastor and TV personality Doug Batchelor, and Pastor and TV personality Stephen Bohr are three of the most visible heads, as it were, of the male headship crowd.

Incidentally, all three advocate a literalistic reading of the Bible. Note: It has come to our attention that it is possible that they ironically use the word literally to mean the exact opposite as has become popular among "kids these days." For instance:

But assuming they mean "literally" literally, what happens when you combine their literalism and their headship? The results are not pretty. Literally!

#BobbleHeadship

The Andrews University Seminary released a statement on headship saying in part:

"We, the faculty of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary, affirm that Christ is the only Head of the Church (Eph 1:22; 5:23; Col 1:18). Therefore, while there exists legitimate leadership in the Church, no other human being may rightfully claim a headship role in the Church."

 We here at Caricatures of Adventists took this as an opportunity to launch our special, limited edition series of Male Headship Bobblehead dolls to honor the indefatigable proponents of Male Headship. Look for them in specially marked packages of Revival and Reformation at your local ABC that is probably going out of business. SO ACT NOW!

More #BobbleHeadship to come!

Adventist or Not? Who Decides?

Women's Ordination????

After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Just for Fun

Hyveth Williams [Adventist Women]

Kendra Haloviak [Adventist Women]

Kendra Haloviak, Ph.D., is a professor of Greek and New Testament studies at La Sierra University. She completed a doctoral thesis in Apocalyptic Literature (focusing on Revelation) at Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, California. She pastored at the Kettering Seventh-day Adventist church in Ohio, the All Nations Church at Andrews University, and the Sligo Adventist Church in Tacoma Park, Maryland.

And get this: Haloviak was the first woman since the days of Ellen White to have an entire week of Spiritual Emphasis and the Sabbath Sermon at a General Conference session! She is a dynamic preacher and a scrupulous scholar.

Dionne Parker [Adventist Women]

I received an email today that began, "Hello: I am one of the attorneys in the General Conference Office of General Counsel..."

Dionne A. Parker, Associate General Counsel for the Seventh-day Adventist® World Headquarters recently left a high-intensity job at a Washington D.C. law firm to serve the General Conference as human resources and intellectual property matters czar for the General Conference, ADRA, Pacific Press, Review and Herald, North American Division, and Adventist Risk Management.

Part of that job is sending emails to bloggers like me and David Hamstra informing them that they are not allowed to use the church's logo or name. They're copyrighted, trademarked, registered, and protected by tanks and helicopters.

In an interview with the Adventist Review (reg. required), Parker stated that she became serious about law at Columbia Union College, and went on to receive a law degree from George Washington University.

Dionne Parker's position as protector of the copyrighted corporate church name is evidence that the church has come a long way from the Adventist pioneers who opposed organization and finally agreed to take an official name only to assure that members of the Adventist community could be pacifists with legal protection by belonging to an official organization opposed to war on moral grounds. As I've said, we have come a long way.

Ella Simmons [Adventist Women]

Dr. Ella Louise Smith Simmons, former provost at La Sierra University, is the first woman ever to hold the title of vice president of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. Hers is the highest position ever attained by a woman in the Adventist Church. While many in the church hailed the day when administration at the highest levels became more inclusive, others have responded with ruffled feathers.

In talking with Adventist media, Simmons said, "I think that the church really is ready for women, at all levels, and in all roles, to fully accept God’s call on their lives, and to function in those roles, officially sanctioned by the Church."

Great Controversy dot Org (which describes itself as "a positive place on the web for the three angels’ message") called the statement "troubling" and "apparently defiant". The folks at Great Controversy evidently feared a church-wide rush to ordain women, a right exclusively granted to men at present. Women cannot become president of the General Conference because the president must be ordained, and women are not ordained.

Concerning women and equality, Great Controversy (dot) org states: "God still has His hand on His church. If this is a trial balloon for Women’s Ordination, then let it be shot down." So much for a positive place on the web...

Nevertheless, we join those who welcome the election of Dr. Ella Simmons as vice-president of the General Conference!

Nancy Vyhmeister [Adventist Women]

You know the way to tell if someone is a prolific writer or not? Do an internet search of that person, and if the top 40 hits that come back are links to books, that person is a prolific writer. Nancy Vyhmeister is a talented woman and a prolific writer! Nancy W. Vyhmeister.

The people at Adventist Affirm don't necessarily like Nancy Vyhmeister all that well. That's because Nancy Vyhmeister advocates strongly for the acceptance of women in ministry and the ordination of Adventist Women. But at Adventist Affirm, they have a book full of counter-arguments. They think that women belong in the kitchen, I think.

The people at the Association of Adventist Women like Nancy Vyhmeister. They named her a woman of the year in 2007! She has lived all over the world and speaks several languages. Vyhmeister is one of the principal translators of the SDA Bible Commentary into Spanish.

I like her most because of her great name! Say (VEE-mice-ter). Vyhmeister, Vyhmeister, Vyhmeister. Now you try it.