After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Don C. Schneider

Don C. Schneider is the president of the North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists. He has his own TV show called Really Living. Really Living features Adventists who are evidently not pretend-living, they are (you guessed it) really living.

Schneider was a runner up in the recent Adventist popularity contest here on Caricatures of Adventists. He was barely edged out by David Asscherick. Although he did not win, he deserves his own caricature (you're welcome).

Schneider had surgery in October for a cyst in his brain. The cyst affected his vision and gate. Internet reports reveal that he is making a good recovery after the surgery.

Here's a nursery rhyme about Don Schneider:

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey (this was before she became a vegan).
Along came a spider dressed up like Don Schneider
And invited Miss Muffet to attend an evangelistic meeting.

THE END