Time to Take The Bible Just As It Reads

"The Spirit of Prophecy tells us that we are to take the Bible just as it reads," according to GC president Ted N. C. Wilson. Well, here is our humble attempt to do just that. This is the first installment of our #JustAsItReads series.

"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come"  Acts 2:20 (KJV)

Ellen White Toast Apparition Validates Bible and Science Conference

MORMON COUNTRY, UTAH - Reports have been leaked to liberal Adventist media outlets of a supernatural event during the International Conference on Bible and Science in St. George Utah. According to many anonymous sources who attended the conference, an apparition of the face of Ellen White on a piece of toast was said to have confirmed the message of conference organizers.

The toast, a nine-grain bread provided by the host hotel in St. George, belonged to Dr. Richard Davidson of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary at Andrews University. Richardson, a daily presenter at the conference, was reportedly shocked by Ellen's "astounding appearance."

The Ellen White apparition was first noticed by Jo Ann Davidson, also a frequent conference presenter from the Seminary.

"When Dick came back and sat down after getting seconds on the whole-grain toast, I glanced at his plate and let out an audible gasp," said Jo Ann.

Immediately, attendees from as far away as the Philippines gathered 'round the table to take turns looking at the miraculous toast. The bread was quickly and carefully placed in an airtight glass container for preservation.

On the last day of the conference, General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson addressed the gathering to hail the Bread Encompassing Ellen's Face (B.E.E.F.).

"Ellen White's appearance confirms that the Spirit of Prophecy is with us," Wilson said to loud applause.

"It also provides further evidence of the validity of our End-Times Message of God's recent creation in six literal, consecutive, contiguous days. We now have a clearer-than-ever mandate to clarify the language in our Fundamental Belief #6! Furthermore, if you don't eat nine-grain bread, you are not truly a Seventh-day Adventist, and you should resign your rolls," Wilson adjured.

Conference co-organizer Ed Zinke added his view that there could no longer be any question over the validity of Young Earth Creationism.

"This Blessed Toast confirms the message we came to proclaim to you."

After Zinke's words, delegates unanimously voted a strongly-worded statement that called for nine-grain bread to be served in every Adventist institution around the world, and for recipes to be widely disseminated for educational purposes. The statement also included clauses about the Sanctity of Male Headship and Traditional Marriage.

Next, delegates received envelopes with generous per diem allowances furnished by Ed Zinke, and boarded buses for the Las Vegas Strip in Nevada, where many delegates spent the evening gambling and watching the Singing Fountains at the Bellagio Hotel.

And remember, if you read it on the Internet, it must be true!

Ewww! Headship! Literally!

General Conference president Ted N. C. Wilson, Pastor and TV personality Doug Batchelor, and Pastor and TV personality Stephen Bohr are three of the most visible heads, as it were, of the male headship crowd.

Incidentally, all three advocate a literalistic reading of the Bible. Note: It has come to our attention that it is possible that they ironically use the word literally to mean the exact opposite as has become popular among "kids these days." For instance:

But assuming they mean "literally" literally, what happens when you combine their literalism and their headship? The results are not pretty. Literally!

Adventist or Not? Who Decides?