Amazing Flax Creates Sunday Law Alert System

Amazing Flax unveiled its Sunday Law Threat Alerts warning chart today. Citing the immanent threat of a universal Sunday Law, the natural foods media empire called for a heightened state of vigilance for Sabbath keepers.

"This chart provides a way for Sabbath keepers to stay aware of the threat posed by the coalition of Sunday worshipers and government entities," said Amazing Flax speaker/directer Shrug Thatchelor.

Upon release of the chart, the threat level was immediately elevated to "somewhere between Lamblike Beast and Whore of Babylon," according to an Amazing Flax spokesperson.

Reaction from Sabbath keepers varied, from "Meh," at the Laodicean Sabbatarian Fellowship in California to "Everyone to the basement!" at the Get Your Own Oil Reformed Adventist Congregation in Michigan.

Asked for further elaboration on the making of the chart, Thatchelor stated, "The chart is based on the universal symbol of the National Sunday Law, the Catholic Pope. The threat is particularly high because this pope, like no other in history, has won over even secular governments. We are seeing the whole world wonder after this beast."

After Pro-Women Vote, Pastor Doug Returns to Cave

Seventh-day Adventist MegaPastor-Evangelist Doug Batchelor is reportedly walking away from his Amazing Facts empire after a proposal to allow women to be presidents within the denomination "went south."

After news broke that in North America, women would be allowed to challenge men for top positions following an overwhelming vote in favor of not restricting conference presidency to people with "boy parts," Batchelor said on his radio show, "I didn't go to semen-ary just to see this happen. Come to think of it, I didn't go to semen-ary."

The senior pastor of the Sacramento Central Adventist Church told his members that he would be returning to the cave of his youth where he could "swim in the buff without having to worry about women." According to reports, Batchelor will also be selling off his media-related assets, which include a satellite, a radio show, a television show, an internet show, a website with a "donate" button, and several "viral" videos in which he can be seen claiming that women should not be attend seminaries because the root of the word seminary is "semen" which women clearly do not possess (this is actually true). The videos do not, however, place any prohibitions on women who give semen-ars.

With the wealth from the Amazing Facts selloff, Batchelor is expected to reclaim his former title of "The Richest Caveman" as he returns to his cave. Sources tell us that he is already in negotiations with Amazing Facts TV concerning a proposed reality show entitled "The MAN Cave: No Girls Allowed."

And remember--It doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internets.

Adventists to Sue Stewart/Colbert for Holding Rally on Sabbath

SILVER SPRING - Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert held their Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear  Saturday, and Adventists are hopping mad.

Jeltza Nimble of the Adventist-run Center for Secular and Postmodern Studies in Silver Spring explains the ire this way:

"First of all, Jon Stewart, being Jewish, should know better than to hold a rally on Sabbath. We have been studying secular and postmodern people in America for a really long time now, and I can tell you that most of them were at this rally on Saturday. But the problem, and it was a glaring injustice, is that all the secular and postmodern Seventh-day Adventists were unable to go to this rally because it was held on Sabbath. And the one thing we know from our study of secular and postmodern Seventh-day Adventists is that they will not break the Sabbath, even for an event like this one!"

Nimble asserted that Stewart and Colbert's decision to hold the rally on a Saturday constitutes a "clear cut case of religious discrimination against all sabbatarians," and noted that over 10,000 Adventists living in the Washington D.C. metroplex would have likely attended the rally had it been held on a Wednesday evening.

Jackson Billamy, a 27 year old member of the Tacoma Park Seventh-day Adventist Church agrees.
"I would gladly have skipped the Wednesday night prayer meeting to attend the 'Restore Sanity' rally, but there is no way I'm going to miss church on Sabbath to be there. I feel like Adventists were really marginalized on this one."

Adventist Association of Religion Liberties Directors spokeswoman Patricia Frankstein says that a lawsuit will be brought against Comedy Central comedians Stewart and Colbert for the discriminatory rally. "We feel we have a solid case, and we intend to pursue it vigorously," Frankstein said in a press release.

Nimble told the GRAPEVINE that a rally against religious discrimination against Sabbath keepers is being planned for Saturday, November 27 on the National Mall in the nation's capitol. The march is tentatively being called the March to Restore Saturday, and will feature speeches from numerous religious liberty representatives, both Adventist and non-Adventist. A spokesperson for the event estimates that at least 500,000 people of faith will attend the event, "including many Jews."

Comdey Central did not respond to the GRAPEVINE's requests for comment.

*And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internets!

Off the Vine: Regional Conferences To Celebrate "Black Sabbath"

MARBILE ALABAMA - Dr. Melvin Haydrick, the president of the Deep Southern Regional Conference of Adventists announced today that regional conferences throughout the USA will celebrate "Black Sabbath" on October 23, 2010.  Haydrick told assembled press this denomination, which already observes "Creation Sabbath," "13th Sabbath," and "International Food-Tasting Sabbath," should give church members in the Deep Southern Region a Sabbath of their own.

Haydrick believes that "Black Sabbath" will be a special blessing to Adventists in his region who are "Dying For Love."

Asked what other objectives he has for the Deep Southern Regional Conference, Haydrick told the reporters he hopes that some people will also be able to finish an "Iron Man" after "Black Sabbath." When one reporter asked whether he had considered how close "Black Sabbath" would to the inauspicious event that occurred on October 22, Haydrick said that he hopes this event will not be a "Great Disappointment," quickly adding that he expects everything to go smoothly. Haydrick told the media that hopes he will not become "Paranoid" thinking about what might go wrong.

Adventist leaders hailed the announcement as a small step forward for regional conferences and a giant leap for Adventistkind. In a release issued the same day, Deep Dixie Conference president Spencer Stenckray said, "Having 'Black Sabbath' in our churches will go a long way toward healing what has divided us for so many decades." Stenckray called "Black Sabbath" a "welcome innovation" for the Adventists.

Click Here for previous news stories fresh off the Adventist Grapevine.

And remember, it doesn't matter if it's true or not if you read it on the Internet.

The Grapevine: News from Around Adventism

Adventist Chef Nearly Infiltrates Jesuit University

Dr. Thayne McCulloh is the new president at Gonzaga University, and he has a message for faculty and students at the Jesuit institution: “Watch out for Brian Mallow-Shanks.” Mallow- Shanks, from the New Hope Seventh-day Adventist Church in Chesterton Connecticut, was caught this week in an elaborate scheme to “infiltrate” Gonzaga.

A spokesperson for the university said that Mallow-Shanks had been planning for three years to seek a professorship in Gonzaga’s Culinary Arts program. There, according to a police report, Mallow-Shanks hoped to slowly begin to “convert students to vegetarianism and the principles laid forth in the ‘Spirit of Prophecy.’”

The would-be professor was arrested Friday for falsifying documents in his attempt to gain employment.

Had Mallow-Shanks been successful, it would have been the first time a Seventh-day Adventist successfully infiltrated a Jesuit university (if one does not count the late Samuele Bacchiocchi’s attendance at the Pontifical Gregorian University in Rome).

Mallow-Shanks has a master’s degree in dietetics from Loma Linda University and at one time had his own cooking show on the Hope Channel called “Broiling With Brian.”


Adventist Preacher Screws Up, Calls Responsive Reading “Liturgy”

Pastor Blarvin Combs of the Manchester Seventh-day Adventist Church apologized to his church for an embarrassing gaffe on Saturday, July 13. While leading out in a responsive reading, Combs accidentally referred to it as “liturgy.”

One week later, Combs stood before the congregation to apologize saying, “I should have known better.” Combs told the church that he is well aware that Adventists call it “responsive reading,” not “liturgy,” and he blamed time spent with Anglican friends for the slip-up.

The apology did not assuage the concerns of some parishioners, who were dismayed to learn that Combs had been keeping company with “Sunday-keepers.” On Monday morning after his confessional, Combs’s name appeared on the website Hold Them Accountable. The website was created by Ang Hnu to provide free publicity for “Badventists” who don’t "educate truth."

The Manchester Church has taken steps to ensure that the mistake will not be repeated. The church’s head elder, Melwin Harmony, says that responsive readings will be eliminated from worship services to avoid potential confusion in the future.

*And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internet.

COMING SOON: Caricatures of Adventists News Bulletin

Greetings purveyors of fine Sevy culture! Caricatures of Adventists is pleased to announce the unveiling of a new [potentially unreal, possibly satirical] news bulletin, the Adventist (insert copyright notice here) Grapevine! Look for the first issue in the days to come, fresh off the vine. And remember, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not if you read it on the Internet!

Global Financial Crisis Hits Adventist Church

The global economic downturn that accompanied the recession in the U.S. (yes, it's official, folks) has brough tough times to the Adventist Church as well. An Adventist News Network (ANN) headline reads, "Adventist Church Tightens Belt." Adventist Today notes that the Adventist Church plans to reduce the subsidy it provides Loma Linda Universty (reg req.).

The Church, along with everybody else, is watching as its assets turn to smoke. The subtext of this Editorial Cartoon is the recent fire that damaged the Adventist Church Headquarters in the UK. ANN reports on the fire's devastation here.